Bored, LL?

I'm ok. Check the manifest for the latest updates on my life.

Both. It changes. One minute I'm like all happy that I mailed it then the next I'm regretting it, etc. How goes the job search?

It's worth a shot. I would love to work over in England for a year or more.

LionQueen wrote:

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Paints, don' regret it. You made a decision ... feel good about it. If you decided to do it, then it was the right decision regardless of the outcome. :)

I've recently made a big decision over a letter myself. I've decided that I'm going to write my birthmother one more time and this time I'm going to tell her exactly how I feel about her decision  to  break communications after  being so open.

I've tried to walk carefully like on broken glass and I'm now ready to say what I feel, because it's what I feel and it's valid and it has worth and I need to own how I feel.

And you should always own how you feel and not deny or supress it.

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It's not like I was trying to deny or suppress my feelings.  They were there, I knew they were there.  I just still am not sure if I made the right decision.  It's not like I prayed about it or anything.  I just made the decision.  And right after I paid the postage I wanted to run back and try to get the letter back, but then I was ok with it.  Then I wasn't, then I was, etc.  I know how I felt/feel (not entirely sure I ever fell out of love with the guy).

hrslvr_paints wrote:

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LionQueen wrote:

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Paints, don' regret it. You made a decision ... feel good about it. If you decided to do it, then it was the right decision regardless of the outcome. :) 

It's not like I was trying to deny or suppress my feelings.  They were there, I knew they were there.  I just still am not sure if I made the right decision.  It's not like I prayed about it or anything.  I just made the decision.  And right after I paid the postage I wanted to run back and try to get the letter back, but then I was ok with it.  Then I wasn't, then I was, etc.  I know how I felt/feel (not entirely sure I ever fell out of love with the guy).

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always feel proud that you were able to act.... some people never learn to do that and miss out on so much of life. i know you considered all the options and possible outcomes of mailing the letter and in doing so you have prepared yourself for whatever may happen... even nothing....  sounds like there is some closure here...

you did okay, paints!!!! be proud!!!

I have to ask myself the questions that are toughest. My roommate joked that if I send the letter he'll come up here and track me down and next thing anyone knows I'm engaged. If he asked me, would I say yes? Would I say no? If I said no would it be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and would I regret it forever? Or would I be happy with my decision and finally be able to move on from the past?

hrslvr_paints wrote:

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I am. But it changes. I mean, if I didn't want to own up to my feelings would I have written the letter? No. I'm now more worried that he won't respect my wishes and he'll respond via facebook. Starting on Saturday I will have to exercise every ounce of will power I possess to keep myself from checking facebook.

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are you more afraid that he won't answer at all???

I think I'm more afraid he'll answer and then I will know the truth. At the end of the letter I asked him if he ever could have cared for me as more than a friend. With all the feelings I've had, I think that if the answer is no my heart would break even more than it did when he walked out of my life. If the answer is yes then I'll be spending my life with questions of why he never acted on his feelings and questions of how it could have been. You know, I think that his walking out of my life made me afraid to get close to guys, even as friends. If he does answer my question and I learn the truth I might be afraid to like a guy ever again. I don't want to spend my life alone but I don't want to settle on just anything to not be alone.

LionQueen wrote:

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hrslvr_paints wrote:

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I have to ask myself the questions that are toughest. My roommate joked that if I send the letter he'll come up here and track me down and next thing anyone knows I'm engaged. If he asked me, would I say yes? Would I say no? If I said no would it be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and would I regret it forever? Or would I be happy with my decision and finally be able to move on from the past?

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Why ask yourself anything so serious over a simple letter?  Perhaps you're overthinking this?  Let it go. Let it go off into the blue. It's screaming ... please release me set me free ... 

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Oh, it's screaming all right.  Screaming at me from all sides.  And no, I'm not overthinking it.  I'm just considering all possibilities because I can think of nothing else but that letter that's off into the wild blue yonder making its way down to his house where he'll read it and where I'll never know his reaction to it.  But what if he disregards my wishes and responds?  What if he does come up here and hunt me down?  I have to consider all possibilities and think of how I'll react in any given scenario.  I'm a planner and a detailer.  I went through like 6 drafts of that stupid letter.  No, I'm not overthinking things.  This is a big important deal to me and I would appreciate it if you guys didn't act like you want to belittle the situation.

he can answer and reject you
he can not answer and reject you
he can answer and accept you

these are the possibles...

LionQueen wrote:

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Gosh. I was just reading about the six people they found in  California.  Burned bodies. I hope they died from the smoke and not the fire. Not that that's pleasant either .. I mean how can dying be pleasant, but burning to death - how horrible.

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burning and drowning... my two worst fears of ways to die... think it's the witch in me.....