Chapter 18

The shot seemed to come out of nowhere, and it took out the poor unfortunate, nameless fool that was holding Kate at the time. Sawyer had the slimmest of seconds to appreciate the quality of the shot, hitting the guy in the neck just about Kate's head. Couple inches lower..he mind said, but wouldn't allow himself to finish that thought. And being the born survivors that they both were, didn't stop to consider who'd fired that particular shot, just used the split second opportunity to their advantage. For Sawyer that was relativly easy, the surprisinging and anonymous shot had caused Clancy to look up and move the gon slightly which afforded Sawyer the opportunity to reach up and grab the barrell end of it and shved the butt end of the rifle into the latter mans chest hard enough to send him flying backwards into a nearby tree.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kate get over her momentary confusion and then pounce on Tom, using his distraction to her advantage as well. No sooner had the body of the man next to her fell to the ground that good ole Tom gotten a taste of a Kate tackle. Sawyer felt a momentary sense of pride in her ability to level a man roughly twice her size before getting to the task at hand, that was getting a rifle of his own. Stepping over to a still disorientated Clancy, who had dizzily fallen to the ground, Sawyer reached down and grabbed the rifle before the man could get his wits about him. He then proceeded to put a booted foot on the mans neck and pointed the gun down at him.

"You just got no luck pal.." he said with a smile on his face, being sure to keep the gun out of the mans reach. And then turning the rifle over he slammed it down hard on hard on his head, knocking him out, hopefully for good 'hope the insurance is paid up.."

His concern immediately changed to Kate, who was struggiing with the big man, who managed to get a hand around her neck and had her on the ground, Kate all the while hitting with all the force she had. Seeing this, and keeping himself calm, Sawyer ****ed the rifle barrell and taking several steps forward, decided to put a stop this once and for all.

"Hey Jeb!!" he called getting the mans attention long enough for Kate to get a good swing at him, hitting him square in the jaw, which caused him to loosen his grip a bit. He saw the man raise his arm to hit her back and decided he wasn't gonna get the chance to finish.

Aiming the rifle at him, Sawyer growled "i warned you about harmin a hair on her head a**hole" and fired, and it was not a wasted shot. It caught the man in the shoulder flipping him off Kate and onto his back. Sawyer stepped passed Kate and looked down at the man on the ground with a grim satifaction. He pointed the gun at him and growled "howdya like that Zeke, one in the shoulder just like mine.."

"you gonna finish the job boy?" the man asked, looking at Sawyer with disgust "after all a killer is what you are isn't it?"

"What what were you plannin on doin to her?" he asked, holding the gun on Tom's head "Tell me.."

Tom laughed painfully and said "i wouldn't use the word 'were' son, doesn't matter what you do to me, they'll get her, and by the time they get done with her, well, lets just say she won't even know her own name..."

Sawyer looked over at Kate, who was still recovering herself a bit. He saw her pick up a gun laying on the ground and check to see if it was loaded. She did this mechanically, something she knew by heart. She popped the cartridge out onto the ground and picked it up to check it and Sawyer had a momentary memory of her, disarming him and pointing a gun at him. She had pretended not to know how to use it, he remembered the silly way she tried to put this act on. he remembered the orange shirt she was wearing, and the way she looked at him when he pulled her close. Diddn't know what i was gettin into that day did i? he thought briefly, knowing what he was gonna do before he did it. No one was gonna take her away, if he had to kill every dam one of the them.

"What are you waitin for son?" the bleeding man on the ground asked him, snapping him out of his thoughts. "if you'd kill for her, then prove it.

"No problem pal" and without further thought he pulled the hammer back on the rifle and pointed it down at him. And put a bullet in the mans head without hesitation. The kickback of the shot caused him to rock back just a bit. He saw Tom's body jerk and go still.

Kate jerked around at the sound of the shot and looked at him, she took about a second to process it, and he saw no judgement there at all when she looked at him. And he hated that. He'd just killed another person, a scumbag yes, but it was another to add to the list of bodies they were leaving in thier wake. Natural born killers he thought and then pushed it aside, not like we were ever goin to heaven anyways,. and still shaking it off just a bit, went to Kate, kneeling down and pulling her up, just needing to touch her to level him a bit.

"You ok?" he asked touching her all over just to make sure. And was relieved to see no major injures, other than a developing bruise on her neck where the guy had her in a bit of chokehold. At least the son of b***h was dead though.

"I'm fine...you?." she retuned, putting her hands up on his face, just to make sure herself, and felt the fresh cut on the side of his head.

"fine and dandy darlin" he answered, hanging the rifle over his shoulder, finally getting himself under some form of control "gotta stop gettin hit in the haad though.. brains getting bounced around more than a tennis ball lately.."

Kate laughed a tittle at that, and then something occured to her "Sawyer where'd that shot come from?"

Sawyer barely had time to think on this question when they heard another shot, a deafening one at that, right behind them. Both of them jerked around and saw that if Sawyer hadn't killed Clancy with a blow to the head, a fresh gunshot did the trick. And standing over the body with the smoking gun in his hand, was Mike.

It ook both of them a minute to process who they were seeing, but Sawyer recovered first. Ignoring the fact that the man had just saved them, he still felt nothing but anger, he had after all got them into this the first place.

"You son of b***h" he growled stepping forward, although he did surpringly keep the rifle at his side.

Mike simply responded by raining his gun, aiming it at a still surpised Kate "Don't move man, just stay where you are" he said, looking at Sawyer, who stopped his forward progress "I don't wanna but i will, and you know it."

"But you left" stammered Kate "you and Walt, we saw you..."

"i came back"

"Why?" asked Sawyer, with an oddly calm tone "you got more women to kill?"

"I did what i had to do, dosen't mean i like it" Mike answered, continuing to hold the gun on Kate "i came back to make it right.. and cause my boy wanted me to. And everything i do i do for him."

"you sold us out.." snarled Sawyer, the only thing keeping him from choking Mike was the gun pointed at Kate. "we were tryin to help ya get him back, and you thank us by doin thier dirty work for em." and with an added menace "i should've let you drown that day..."

Mike did look sorry, "maybe you should've, but you your a much better person than you think man." and then reiterated "you don't understand, he's all i got, the only thing that matters to me. So i believed em when they said they weren't gonna hurt you guys. I believed what i wanted to believe, cause he's the only damn thing that matters at all to me.."

And surprisingly Sawyer did understand, as much as he didn't want to. He thought about the woman standing next to him, and what he'd do to protect her. She was all he had, he would kill for her, had already in fact done just that. And i'll bet you could justify just like he does a small part of his mind chided bet that's what daddy thought too eh? He quickly pushed that away.

"you could've trusted us" said Kate, her voice breaking a bit "we would've helped you, if you just told us.. you didn't have to do this alone.."

"i know that Kate" MIke said, leaning against the tree, looking at the gun in his hand, but still keeping it pointed at them "I made my bed here, and i can't make it right, the best i could do was come back and at least try to help undo the mess i made here. But i can't bring those girls back. And i can't look my boy in the eye either... he knows.. he's special and that's why they wanted him, and the reason they wanted you too."

"What the hell are you talkin about Mikey?"

Mike looked him square in the eyes and replied "he says your the key, only you can do what needs to be done. But your blocked, whatever that means. And she's the key to you.. And they know that.. which is why they want her now. And they'll stop at nothing to get her man. He told me"

Sawyer took this in, it made no sense to him, or did it? There was a tickling at the back of his mind... a half forgotten memory of whispers, trying to tell him something. and your too dense to understand, too much clutter in there pal..Shaking it off again. He glanced at Kate, and saw she was listening intently, almost tranced as if she was remembering something too. He decided to concentrate on the last part of what Mike said, it was the only part that made any sense at all.

"They ain't gonna get her"

"They will man.. there's alot of em, and they are gonna get my boy too, if you don't stop them"

"But how?" Kate asked, stepping forward.

Mike looked over at Kate and said "he knows how.. Walt told me"

"Walt's a f**kin 10 year old he don't know s**t" said Sawyer, feeling afraid for some reason, and masked it with anger "if you know something tell us."

"There's nothing i can tell you that you don't already know.." and with that Mike closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them there an expression of sadness there "I can't live with this anymore, i did it for him, but i can't look at him. I'm not supposed to have him, i know it now.So i left back at camp and found you guys, and I did my part, and now it's done.."

Kate seemed to move closer to Sawyer as Mike said this, he felt her hand on his arm He could feel a slight tremble n her hand, as if she knew something. She wrapped her fingers around his arm now, and they were cold.

"what do you mean it's done?" he asked, as the sky seemed to go dark around them.

"My parts over that's what. Yours isn't, and you like me, killed for the one you love, and may have to kill again. You have to know that dosen't make you a monster, it makes you human.."

And Sawyer clearly saw Mike raise the gun away from where he was pointing it, bending his arm back toward him, and suddenly knew what was gonna happen. It's not like he hadn't seen it before after all. He attempted to move forward, to put a stop to the inevitable. He felt Kate's grip on his arm tightened as she held him back, and tried to step in front of him. LIke she was trying to shield him in a sense.

Sawyer saw over her shoulder, Mike raise the gun "You gotta know man" he said as he pointed it to his own head "you ain't to blame for any of it.. and i need you to tell my boy that too.. tell him i'm sorry.. and that i loved him.."

He tried to move forward, needed to stop this, but Kate wouldn't let him. She in fact was desperatly trying to turn him away, but he was gonna be damned if he let her to do that.

"Get outta my way Kate" he ordered, trying to push her aside, but she wouldn't budge. He heard her say his name, but he refused to look away from it. He saw it all in slow motion, and he couldn't stop it, just like the last time so long ago. And when the shot went off it was deafening, as was the sound of the body hitting the ground. He felt Kate's body jerk in front of him and she let out a strangled sob, her back to the whole thing. She gripped his shoulders tightly and looked up at him with tears in her eyes, as the silence filled the air again. He wouldn't look at her, just kept looking at the body and the blood, his mind in a totally differnet time.. suicides don't get a wake.. he heard in his head. What had said that? Couldn't remember remember really, it didn't matter really. From what seemed like far away he heard her voice, trying to reach him.

"Sawyer' she spoke in a broken voice, removing one hand from him to touch his face.

And suddendly he didn't want her to touch him anymore. Cause if she did, he would end up looking at her face, and if that happened he was afraid of what might come of it. Terrified actually. And all he could see over her should was the blood, some of it had hit the tree behind where he'd been standing. And in his head he saw the blood on the wall of his room. Why does it keep coming back to that? He wanted that numbness to come back again, and that wouldn't happen if he allowed her to stay close. So he pushed, and hard, violently removing himself from her grip and stepping around her. She tried to reach out again and he turned on her, needing to just make her leave him alone.

"Get the hell away from me" he told her, his voice cold, and walked away from her, not allowing himself to look at her too closely. He pretended not to notice that she was crying, pretended not to care, even though he did. He couldn't do anything for her pain right now, was too stuck in his. And he had a grave to dig.

tbc

After what seemed like an endless moment she saw him move the gun away from her, back towards himself. She saw his finger move across the handle, along with his thumb and for one horrifying moment thought he would actually put it against his hed and pull the tigger. But instead, she heard a light click and saw something fall to the ground. It was the clip. Kate felt a wave of relief rush though her at the sight of it on the ground. But she knew enough to know the danger wasn't completly over, there could still be one bullet trapped in the chamber, and she knew he knew that too. But it was something at least.

" Well If its all up to me like you say, then how come i ain't dead?" Kate couldn't be sure whether he was asking her or himself, and did it really matter under the circumstances, not really. She deceided to anser him regardless.

"Maybe cause you don't want to die"

"oh believe me i do... " he replied, studying the gun again, almost like he didn't know what it was. To her he looked very tired, and ill-used. Much too young to feel this damn old..she thought to herself where have i heard that? she decided it didn't matter for the time being, it fit them both. "Been tryin to since i was a kid, and i've never succeeded there. No one'll let me, you think people'd want to see me gone.."

"cause some of them care about you that's why.." She made absoolutly no attempt to move closer, just stood the sam distance, and watched his seams unravel just a bit.

Sawyer chuckled to himself slighty, without humor "maybe they're just tryin to piss me off ever think of that?"

"That's not why i'm doing it.." she told him, pulling the bag that she had over her shoulder off, and placing it on the ground next to her feet. "I do it cause i want you around that's why.."

"You must be just as much of a mascohist as me then cause i don't know why you go through the trouble sweetheart.."

"cause i love you that's why.." Kate said this simply, as a matter of fact. Like the sky was blue, the green. But it certainly couldn't have had a more proufound effect on him to hear it..

She watched Sawyer as he processed those words, which he'd never really heard from her before. It seemed to knock him for a loop. He didn't so much sit down on the gruond as he sort of collapsed onto it, never letting go of the unloaded gun as he dis so, she noticed. It was like he needed it in his hand for the time being. She saw him pull his knees up and rested his left arm across them, still holding the gun with his right, he pressed the side of it against his temple like he did earlier, and seemed to look through her, his eyes almost obscured by his hair which was blowing around his face. But she could only imagine what they looked like. Haunted, broken, so many adjectives she could use. And she decided she really needed to see his face.

With a subtle swing of her foot, she kicked away the clip, just in case, and squatted down to sit in front of him. He barely acknowledged this, just stared vacantly off into the distance. Reaching out her hand, making no effort whatsover to take the gun, she brushed his blonde hair out of his eyes. He jerked away slightly as her fingers brushed the skin on his forhead.

"Don't.." he whispered, in a terribly broken voice. still refusing to look directly at her.

"Sawyer.." she reached out again, this time putting her hand on his wounded left one, and enfolding it in both of hers. He didn't fight her on this, just let her hold it while pulling herself closer, so she was almost between his knees "It's ok.."

He let out a painful little chuckle at that "It ain't never been ok and you know that.." he lifted his eyes to her's without lifting his head, and she noted that they were green right now.. and filled with pain beyond her abitity to imagine, or maybe she could, that was the problem. "and you know what the funny part is, i actually allowed myself at one point to believe it could be.. like i'd ever deserve it, or you..."

"Maybe you don't... but you've got me anyways.." she reassured, as she continued to to hold onto his hand, running her fingers over the wound, wishing by her very touch that she could somehow make it better. And not just the cut either, everything, for him and herself. If only it were that easy. They sat that way for awhile as the sun began to disappear over the horizon, darking the landscape around them. When Sawyer finaly spoke again his voice sounded horribly borken, like nothing she'd ever heard before.

"I almost killed you, twice now. don't that scare you?."

"No" she replied, reaching her free hang up and brushing the hair away from his eyes again, it just kept falling in there. He needs another haircut she thought briefly, although part of her realized she liked it that way. But now really wasn't the time for those thoughts. " cause i know you'd never hurt me, you only hurt yourself.. you do it every day and i wish you'd stop. "

Kate could see him breaking more by inches but still suubbornly holding back, not wanting to show the cracks even though they were plainly visible. She knew it wouldn't take much more to push him over the brink here, but she wasn't gonna rush it either. With her free hand, she reached over to the hand holding the gun, and wrapped her fingers around the barrell. She pulled at it gently, and to her surpise he let her take it, and curled the emply hand back into fist and put it against the side of his head again. Kate placed the gun on the ground next to her not even looking away from him for one second as she did so. And even in the dark she could see how terribly raw he had become. And there was no hold in his voice when spoke this time.

"I can't.." he told her, looking directly into her eyes again, finally allowing her access completly "cause he let me live... "

And with those words she saw him completly break open, it was painful beyond words, his whole body seemed to shake with the force of it. Kate released his hand and put her arms around his head and simply pulled him into her embrace. He didn'tt fight her at all, he had no energy to. His head came to rest against her shoulder and she could feel all the pain just convulsing through him. He didn't make any noise. This type of pain went far too deep for that, it just shoke his entire body to the core. Kate wrapped her hand in hair and kissed the top of his head, and rocked him gently without even beeing aware she was doing it.

She thought about how as much he had always wanted to protect her, he'd never know just how much she wanted to the same for him. His life has been very dark, some of that is by choice, not letting the light in deliberatly sometimes. The iluminatiing light that might chase some of those mosters away, the ones that would never let him rest. Especially the one on top of the bed, not under it.. And on the bluff overlooiking the sea, she did her best to be his nightlight, if only for now, in this moment.. She simply listened to the waves crash and held him for as long as he needed..

tbc

Chapter 20(part 1)

Sawyer didn't know how he just stayed there, wrapped her arms, it didn't really matter actually cause he no real desire to leave that circle anytime soon. He was exausted, both phsycially and emotionally, drained from the pain he'd taken so long to expend, and thought he could just rest in her arms forvever. He felt saftey and warmth there, something he'd known very little of in his life. Until now that was. She always seemed to be able to do that for him, sometimes with just her mere presence was enough, and always amazed him that she had that capability. He thought maybe it was cause she faced her own tortured dreams and her demons and together they just seemed to have the capabilty of driving them away. It was wonderful and slightly scary at the same time.

He moved his head slightly and put his chin on her shoulder and looked out beyond where they were sitting. He could clearly see the moonlight reflecting off the waves, it had a surreal quality to it, like one of those painings you'd see in a museum. The wind coming off the water was stirring the grass on the edge of the bluff, and blew her hair into his face just a bit. But that didn't bother him all that much, cause it always seemed whether she'd washed it or not, it always smelled great to him. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and seemed to find his voice again, although it did sound slightly hoarse to him.

"It got dark.."

He could feel Kate smiled against the side of his head "Brilliant deduction Sherlock.."

He'd felt cold too but didn't tell her that, and he felt her reach around behind her, fumblimg in their newly aquired backpack, seemingly looking for something. Sawyer didn't feel like dwelling too much on how they'd aquired it, that hurt too damn much to think about right now. But he knew he would have to sooner or later. He suddenly felt something thrown over his shoulders and lifting his head up was suprised to see it was a blanket. What the hell?

"Where ya find this? he asked, pulling away slightly, but not too far, they were still sitting very close, only inches apart, with her sitting pretty much between his splayed knees. He didn't seem to want to get too far away from her at that moment, considering he still felt rather fragile. It was not a familar senstaion. "cause i don't recall havin this before.."

Kate turned her head away slightly as she reached behind her again and replied "it was in his bag..." her voice had a sad tone as she spoke, as she pulled a couple other things out "among other things.."

Those other things she placed next to his left leg, and in the dark he couldn't really tell what they were. Kate then turned back to him, and picked up one of the objects she'd pulled out of the bag. Which he could now see was a water bottle, that she put in her other hand and then picked up a cloth and poured some of the water onto it, soaking it. Sawyer watched this with interest, through eyes that felt every bit as raw as his throat did.

"What did he have one of those magic grab bags or somethin girl?"

She smiled at that, her face mere inches from his, and then picked up his left hand proceeded to clean it up again, causing him to wince slightly when she got close to the deep cut, which had sealed up again, but still hurt like hell. She cleaned all the dirt and blood off of it gently, making sure she got every little bit of it off. She then put the rag down, and picked up another cloth and turning his hand over she began to wrap it up carefully and tied it together. Sawyer found himself overwhelmed by the absolute care she always seem to show him, and couldn't remember the last time someone did these things for him.

"your gettin pretty good at treatin wounds Freckles.."

"Well I get lots of practice it seems.." she said quietly, picking up the wet cloth and cleanin his other hand, which had smaller, but no less painful cuts on it as well. "another day another wound, and whats a few more scars right?"

Sawyer had a distinct feeling she wasn't just talking about the physical either. They had both spent a great deal of time cleaning out, and wrapping up, eachothers psychological wounds as well, and there were far more of those. He'd ripped a pretty big scab off today, and she had done her part to try and clean that one out a bit too. But it would never go away completly, and they both understood it wasn't supposed to. It was part of who they were. Which was why he needed to address it.

"Why'd he do it?" he asked in a quiet voice, watching her finish up on the other hand. "he had the kid, that was somethin to live for right?"

Kate looked up from what she was doing, her eyes cloudy, which he could see even in the dark. She absently brushed her hair out of her face, which the wind was blowing around quite a bit, and closed her eyes briefly, pressing her lips tightly together before gathering herself to answer.

"I don't know.." she replied in an equally quiet tone, putting his hand down and moving slighlty closer to him "maybe he just couldn't handle all of it..."

"kids gonna think he did somethin wrong.." said Sawyer, averting his eyes slightly from hers "he might think it's his fault.. kids'll think some pretty funny things.."

Kate lifted her hand, and put it on his neck and circled it around to the back of his neck just under his hair, her thumb still running along the edge of his jaw. The touch was soft and gentle and he closed his eyes, trying to fight back the emotion yet again. it was losing battle, and it was over the minute she spoke.

"Sawyer.." she whispered, so close he could feel her breath on his face, causing him to open his eyes again, looking into her calm blue ones "It's not his fault..or yours either.. you know that don't you?"

He had no idea how to answer that. That question struck at the very core of his beliefs about his own cupibilty, something he barely admitted to himself that he felt.How could i not be to blame in some way? They had, after all, left him alone. He felt something break loose in him again, and badly needed some control, something to keep him from falling apart again. It had affected him that badly that he could feel himself begin to shiver, as if he was cold. He'd never been like this, so raw and vulnerable, it scared the out of him. Kate seemed to sense his need to be steadied and she pulled him to her and kissed him tenderly, trying to help him chase away the pain of the day, even for a little while. She pulled him down to the ground with her as she laid down, not breaking the kiss at all while doing so. They laid like that for a little awhile losing themselves in the taste and feel of eachother, although both of them knew however that that was as far as they were capapble of going tonight, they were both exausted, mentally and pysically. And when they broke the kiss Sawyer buried his face in her neck once again, and closed his eyes. He felt her wrap her arms and the blanket around him, and safe in this cocoon of warmth allowed himself to finally sucuumb to sleep.